Archive for October 2005

19th Oct 2005

How To Deal

There’s always that question about how we deal with the things we lost. And I guess the elusive answer is still the same as I’ve always felt it to be, except that maybe it’s more real this time than it has ever been. There is no right or wrong way to deal with things, you just get over it. You just think about how it’s just another thing that happens to you in life and just like everything else you in life, you don’t let it break you. Tom Stoppard (genius as he always is / has been), wrote in Shakespeare in Love on what to do when love’s denied? There’s nothing you can do except that there are sad tears and a journey. But that’s the end of that, there’s not death of anything but the love invovled. No one goes beserk and dies from the withdrawal of the love they seek. Things just move on and it’s over with. You can’t dwell on the past. Sometimes, it’s just easier to move on because it’s like a weight that’s lifted off your shoulders. It’s one less thing to worry about and you can fulfill everything else that your life has to offer instead of just being stuck in that moment in time. When you’ve exhausted all possible methods, then you know it’s time to move on. But when are we supposed to understand that there are no more options and when something is worth all the effort of saving or try at least to get the other person to agree that you have to save what there is? You don’t. It’s that gut feeling. But when the other person opposes it with all their might, then you know that something is wrong, something isn’t worth it anymore. If it takes so much energy just to convince the other person that the love you had is more pure than anything else, then what’s going to happen later on when you do get him? He’s going to be the same as he’s always been. And that’s gonna be no fun at all. I wish that I could get a second chance on everything that’s happened, but I guess it’s for the better this way. Besides, at least I go away with the knowledge that you have to play harder to get. If he sticks around for you, then you know his feelings are genuine. If he scampers like a scared bunny, then you know he’s never going to be worth your time. Just know the fine line between what’s enough and what’s too much.

I’m normally a really private person. I mean, there may be a lot of things that I say, but that’s usually the tip of the iceberg. There’s just so much that I think that anybody would be surprised really. I guess I’ll just begin with some things…

  1. I am a “lists” person. Maybe it comes from my competitive nature, but I like to list everything out, I like to know the rankings of everything and if rankings currently don’t exist for something, then you should make it up. Anything and everything has the possibility to be made into a list (even this subject here). I have lists of which friends I consider are my bestest friends and know everything about me (or in some cases have been through shit with me) and have always been there for me. I have lists of people I’d invite to parties that I hope to throw. Lists of people are the most fun actually ’cause then you also get to rank how they stand on your list of friends. (If I say that some competition doesn’t matter to me, trust me, it matters like no other).
  2. I’m very systematic. (which I think goes hand-in-hand with the lists thing). But this is mostly true when it comes to friends and boys. I’ll try to explain in terms of the ladder theory. Every single person that I meet is placed onto either the friends ladder or the interested ladder. Girls are obviously placed directly onto the friends ladder (although in the original ladder theory, girls are only about placing boys, I like to just place everyone into the ladder theory), but it’s not that common for there to be girls on the ladder anyway ’cause I’m usually friends with guys more than girls. Guys on the other hand, as in the ones placed on the interested ladder, they just go through however length of time that I feel is necessary for me to get to know them and then I make the executive decision on whether they stay on or if they get kicked into the abyss. YES, IF YOU GET KICKED OFF, YOU DON’T GO ONTO THE FRIENDS LADDER. Sorry. That’s how I work ’cause I obviously found something that bothered me enough to lose complete interest in you so it’s the obvious choice here, fellas.
  3. I have a large amount of friends, but it wasn’t always this way. Yes, it’s true I was a loner growing up. I liked being solitary, or maybe solidarity chose me. Either way, I don’t really care much about my childhood except that it was easier then when I didn’t have all these stupid people wanting to be friends with me. That sounds spoiled doesn’t it, well not spoiled but like something a typical “popular girl” would say. But it’s true. I stopped feeling that I should be nice to every person I meet because to do that, well, they just assume that we’re friends and we really aren’t ’cause I don’t give two shits about most of the people that I meet in life unless, of course, you somehow fall into the top category on my friends list. THEN, I will bend over backwards for you, if need be.
  4. I may seem nice, but deep down, I am by nature, as all human beings are by nature, selfish. That’s why I like Laguna Beach. We all say Kristin’s a bitch, but we still want to be just like her. Everyone has bitchy tendencies in life. That’s what being selfish is all about, being a bitch and getting your way in everything. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier if you were just able to do whatever the heck you wanted to? Yes. Don’t lie.
  5. I like to point out weird things about myself ’cause if you don’t think that’s cool, it’s okay. You have to at least deal with it / find it amusing / laugh at me, but still stay friends with me. If that weirds you out (pun intended), then whatever, I have so many other friends. I just need someone who will understand that humans aren’t meant to be molded into something that is just the rest of the herd (Nietzche reference intended).
  6. I’m hella stubborn. I don’t know where it comes from, but in my opinion, if you can’t stand up for something that you believe in, well that’s just weak, to the max.

That’s all folks.

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